also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
