I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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