found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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