Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
