I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
