I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
