The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
