I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
