just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My liver just had a heart attack.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
