Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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