A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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