My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
