I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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