Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
