can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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