Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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