I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
