Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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