im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
