I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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