I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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