I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
