My first STD was from a foam party
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
