You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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