Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
