hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
