Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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