I just saw a hot homeless man
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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