you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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