I wanna bring you to show and tell
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
