dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
