a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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