My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
