the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
