Got a toothbrush?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
