I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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