apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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