chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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