out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
