I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
