she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
