I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
