I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
