Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
