I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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