Your face is a jimmy john
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
