I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
