You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
