how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
