I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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