The maid of honor just puked.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
