i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
