Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
