Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
