I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
