he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
