im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
