Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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