Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
